I'm rich. I'm an aristocrat. I live in my solitary kingdom with books and music. But I can already see myself, in ten years time, I'll become a middle class. Money will enslave me.

Is it possible to listen too much music, read too many books, watch too many movies, dream too much about future, think too much about life?

Family Tree

生命確實充滿了巧合。今天吃飯的時候，開了電視來看。看了一個節目叫做 "Faces of Americans"，節目的目的就是找些美國名人，對於美國文化有影響力的人，然後去找他們祖先，家庭歷史。對於美國人來說，這是很重要的歷史之一，因為幾乎大多數的美國人都是在十九世紀末移民到美國的。節目找了Mike Nicols，就是 "畢業生" 的導演，而我前幾天才剛看完 "畢業生" 的小說。他是德國出生的猶太人，小時後移民到美國也是因為希特勒。而他的曾曾祖父，是俄國的淘金金主，後來因為俄國戰爭而遷居到德國定居。另外他媽媽的兩個兄弟因為沒有趕上去美國的船，一個月後雙雙過世。

另外一個著名美國人就是馬友友。身在音樂世家的馬友友如果沒有因為一次陰錯陽差的機會，而回巴黎，回到第二次世界大戰的戰場的話，他的生活可能會是完全不一樣的故事。巧合? 運氣? 因為我之前看了柏格曼的Saraband，好喜歡巴哈這低迴的大提琴聲。所以在Youtube上找到了馬友友的表演。基本上，個人對馬友友的印象很好。可能是因為柏格曼的關係，現在對古典樂多了不少興趣。看完節目後，我也想知道祖先們都是做什麼的？他們什麼時後遷居到台灣的？他們做了甚麼事？每個人身上充滿歷史，如果你仔細去看的話。現在再看 "白噪音" ，就像 Murray所說的，'You have to learn how to look!' 人生是個謎。巧合，機會，歷史，現在。

音樂問卷

後現代生活萬歲！

"I think the electronic movement of music was the last great modernist movement. Everything now is kind of post modern, it’s not really going forward it’s looking backwards and taking a lot of influences and taking lots of different genres and mashing them up into attempted new things." - excerpt from OMD interview

這段話的重點在於 - 後現代。活在二十一世紀的我們過的是後現代的生活。不能說現在的人沒有創意，只是感覺好像耗盡了創意，不斷回歷史裡找著那些曾經我們很喜歡的東西，換湯不換藥的再端出來。沒有甚麼事是令我們驚奇的，沒有未來是值得憧憬的。我們過著冰河時期恐龍的日子，吃著其他凍死的動物過日子。

酒吧音樂

暗巷裡的酒吧，霓虹燈一閃一閃著 Ric's Bar，外面只有一顆燈泡在門口上微弱的亮著。坐在門口的老伯靠在牆壁上打瞌睡。我小心翼翼的開門進去，試著不吵醒老伯。

酒吧裡的客人只有三個，一個穿著黑色大衣中年男子，抽著菸喝著威士忌。另外兩個是對情侶，很明顯的，這個男生才剛認識這個女生，說著所有他能想到的事情只為了逗那位年輕的女生笑。

我走到吧檯，點了杯啤酒，問了酒保今晚有沒有表演。他微笑著不回答我，像是知道了我不為人知的祕密般似的。我接過酒保的啤酒大大的喝了一口，一陣冷顫串過我的身體。我應該點威士忌的，至少天氣這麼冷可以暖暖身子。

鋼琴聲響起了，我轉過頭往舞台看。Tom Waits 坐在鋼琴上彈著非常慢的曲調，菸還夾在他的指間。燈光照在他身上，嘴裡吐出一團團的煙霧，漸漸散開，融入了周圍的黑暗。在旁的貝斯手和薩克斯風手，隨著鋼琴的節奏慢慢的加入。嘻笑的情侶也安靜下來，這個世界都安靜下來，只剩下湯姆等待先生的歌聲，和他的酒吧音樂。

We like it for all the wrong reasons

I wish I never saw the sunshine

I wish I didn't know all that I know
Cause even if I know, I still don't know how to act right

I wish I never have all the knowledge I had
Cause even if I had, I still don't know what to do

I wish I didn't have all the love I have
Cause it still breaks my heart

I wish I didn't have all the advantages I have
Cause it doesn't make me a better person
Perhaps worse...

Nothingness Is The Real Perfection

Today is a good day for you. ... I congratulate you! ... It's better to knock it all down and strew the ground with salt, as the ancients did, to purify their battlefields. ... What we really need is some hygiene, some cleanliness, some disinfection. ... Anyone who deserves to be called an artist should be asked to make this single act of faith: to educate oneself to silence. Do you remember Mallarmé's praise of the blank page? And Rimbaud ... do you know what his finest poetry was? His refusal to continue writing and his departure for Africa. ... Nothingness is the real perfection.

Mr M and Me

she has never been to the other side, and she never will.

becasue she despise it.

how do you critise the other side while you have never been there before? I think that's just an unfair comment. everyone can easily throw whatever they think without any responsibility.

ever since i saw Fritz Lang's film M, i always think to myself "you've never been there, you don't know what it's like to be someone else, so shut your mouth before you make a fool of yourself." this is an excellent excellent psychological film.

after all, we will never be someone else, but i guess we can at least try to understand and give sypathmy instead of harshly critise them. choosing different paths is never an easy thing to do. if life is going easy on you, then you know you are not learning anything.

in fact, i don't want to learn anything. it's meaningless. all i want and all that matter is sex, money and power. they give you vulgar satisfactions. i want satisfaction. they make me less of what i am.

Time, time, time...

Lying on my bed, smoking and drinking coffee.

Looking at my alarm clock, it's 9 pm. I know it's not the right time. I feel lost in time. Time represents time of another time zone. It might be 9am somewhere, or 2 pm somewhere, here it's 12:25 midnight.

Time does not follow with my life, or should I say I never follow the time. Having dinner at 9 pm. Wakes up at 1 pm.

My life slides as time slips.

Nothing matters, I am alone.

In Blue in The Face, Jim Jarmusch said that when he's smoking, the burnt cigarette represents a micro death of time.

Is time on my side? No, I don't know, probably not.

My youth is all wasted on me, lying on my bed, imaging myself doing the things I wish to do. It's a useless wait, I know.

I wish I don't have memories, or I wish I'm not alone.

情慾

「所有兩情相悅的感覺，無論表現得多麼超塵絕俗，都根源於性衝動。」──叔本華

「性器官並沒有隨著人類身體朝著美感發展，它始終都是野獸時代的結構和樣子。因此，無論是現在還是往昔，愛在基本上都是動物性的。......解剖學決定了我們的命運。」──弗洛伊德

「在工作中，我們必須服從一個以公共目標為基礎的程序，不管產品是甚麼，是杯子，光纖導體或廣告宣傳，我們都只是整個機械生產程序中的一環。該活動與個人快樂與否毫不相關。就像生產程序中的無數齒輪。只有性愛才能給予我們主體的自我價值，因為在性愛中，我們擺脫文化規範的限制。這其實是極為自我矛盾的看法，因為他意味著藉由我們的動物性，我們才身為是人。」

我想補充一下，當然性愛是人類被賦予最原始的慾望，也是被滿足我們最基本的性慾。同時正被這文明的道德社會中抹去，相對的這社會提供其他更多的管道是我們感覺到自我價值和人格的被認同感。一個很簡單的例子，就是寫部落格。當我在寫部落格時，我擁有一切的控制權，同時這是一個公開的管道。所以在寫部落格時，我們斟酌我們該寫些放些甚麼在上面，好讓別人認同我們的自我價值。當然這社會還有很多其他的東西可以滿足我們人類卑微的──被認同感，和少得可憐的──自我價值。

我在看這本書。

綜觀全球性的經濟萎靡，唱片工業只能持續以濫竽充數的方式打捧一個接一個沒有才華的搖滾明星。我會念舊不是沒有原因的。正是我們現在再走下坡阿～

Postmodernity

(by 岳敏君)

What?
Deconstruction.
“holds that there is no truth, no basic right or wrong, nothing good or bad, nothing evil or noble, nothing moral or immoral.”;
"A generation raised on channel-surfing has lost the capacity for linear thinking and analytical reasoning."
Who?
Everyone of us. To be more precise, not exactly everyone.
When? Now. All the time.
Where?
Everywhere; TV, internet, newspaper, nightclubs, museums...etc.
How? I don't know.
How do you feel about it?
To be honest with you, I feel sad. Nothing seems to matter at all. Nothing means anything; anything means nothing at all. Just like the painting above, what do you see? Nothing. Laugh means nothing, and execution means nothing. It may seem like utopia, but it's actually a gigantic chaos.
What are we going to do about it? Nothing.

(source)

The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

It's hard to believe, that being pure at heart is really a pain.
But that's the way I feel.

With loves, and hates and passions just like mine,
They were born and then they lived and then they died.
It seems so unfair. I want to cry.

For Mercy has a human heart, pity a human face.

... I still believe that people are really good at heart.

Great Stuffs

Truly great things always happen way ahead of its time, therefore it's hard for everyone to accept the genius of it at the time. Often the great things would stand on its own, and not fade away. There's a long history of it. Particularly for painters, musicians, directors...all the art-related stuffs. Recently, I've discovered a lot of great stuffs, The Velvet Underground and Nico's, Fellini's films, Godard's films, My Bloody Valentine's Loveless... these things were not made for its time, they were made for the future. Those people really have a vision of their own. I now came to appreciate their genius, partly because of their history (if they are shit and got sunk in the time, I wouldn't have a chance to know them). And mostly I really like them and not for the fame's sake. So when the next big thing comes up, would I appreciate it? I don't know, I hope so.

Self-Hatred

Today's consumerism is everything.
Everything based on our choices.
We can easily imitate people we want to be which simply based on consumerism.
This banality of society uses to impose uniformity in taste.
Narcissism carried to excess.
People always want to be the ones who they think are better.
Primordial narcissism has now transformed into a neurotic and media-hyped narcissism and becomes self-hatred.
Yet, that's all we do. We consume everything we want, and hate ourselves.

Modern Social Ills

Overcrowding, Industry exploitation, Diseases, Crime, Wealth imbalance (Poverty), Racism, Religious Discrimination, Family Disintegration, All kinds of Addiction (drug, alcohol, sex and violence), Sexual promiscuity, Eroticism/Pornography

I think...

I think many people, including me, think that language lacks when we want to express something we feel, something we see, something we hear in real life. In many occasions, languages even confused us and misunderstood others.

But when you read the following words:

• cherry blossom mornings of springtime
• singing in the breeze
• mist over mysterious forest
• wind blowing through wheat fields

These words are so beautiful if we use a little imagination. Isn't it?

So in between that, we have the pleasure to enjoy beauty of life and creativity of our minds.

Party

我們最後終於辦了party。

因為你很想辦個一個你喜歡的 Party，所以我特地跑去誠徵朋友，選了不少音樂，也安排了不少派對的事情。當天，來了差不多二十幾個人，有藝術系跟音樂系的大學生，有上班族，也有些很有藝術氣質的自由業（我也不清楚他們是靠甚麼吃飯的）。他們都是我在網路上，還有發傳單找來的。上面，寫了不少要求的符合條件，最後還寫了 "歡迎有興趣的人，都來參加。" 就因為這句該死的話 ，跑來了幾個白目的派對咖，問我有沒有放蔡依林的特務丁。我很生氣，因為他們都沒有仔細看我辛苦做的傳單，加上對她們音樂 taste的偏見。我就拿了球棒把他們轟走了。妳覺得我拿球棒趕人也很 man。

當天晚上，除了開廚房的燈外，其他的地方都是擺著蠟燭的。舞池（客廳）上還有一個我去二手店找到的 disco ball，閃閃亮亮的很有派對的感覺。在客廳的一面空白牆上，我們還準備了投影機，投射著很多我們喜歡的照片。吃的東西，有妳烤的小餅乾，還有我準備的酪梨壽司。喝的東西，都是些沒有酒精的飲料，有水，果汁，可樂，茶，香香茶，跟啤兒綠茶（in case, 有人想喝些感覺有酒精的飲料，我也沒喝過，呵。）

派對上的人都很開心，有的聊天，有的跳舞，你發現居然還有人在哭。妳走過去沙發旁問她為何在哭，她說她看著那些美麗的照片跟聽著很棒的音樂，非常的感動。妳牽著她的手，帶著她到舞池一起跳舞。妳終於見識到了開心的眼淚是如此的純粹。我，在客廳的另外一頭，跟幾個新朋友聊天。他們頻頻的對我說著他們對這個的派對的喜愛，我對他們說，如果不是因為妳，我們也不會有這麼棒的派對。於是我把目光朝妳望去，巧合的是你也正向我看過來。我們走向彼此，在舞池的中間擁抱，我在妳的耳朵旁輕聲說：「親愛的，我真的好愛你喔，把我從十七樓推下去吧！」我們彼此會心一笑，並深刻的接吻，然後配合著對方的舞步跳了起來。

正在這快樂的時刻，警察忽然出現了。原來是隔壁的報警，叫警察取締我們音響太大聲。當兩名警員出現時，大家都安靜下來，全都看著兩名警察，連音響也都沒聲音了。一陣沉默後，一個警察先生說：「這麼棒的派對幹嘛停下來呢？Come on, let's party people!」大家一陣歡呼後，又把震耳欲聾的音響給放了下去。原來，他們也是搖滾咖，真是特別的警察。更特別的是，他們說派對很棒，不過還少了一樣東西。我們不解的問時，其中一個很得意的 "噹啷！"拿出一包白粉，要我們大家一起試試。我問，你不會抓我們嗎？他說當然不會。我又問，我會上癮嗎？他說試一點點沒問題。警察先生就先以身作則的吸了一口，我們大家也都試了。

High 起來的每個人，看來都比剛剛還要開心。我們也看到了好多平常沒看過的東西。你說你看到了外星人把警察抓走了。我說我看到了一支獨角獸（unicorn），而且他說他要帶我們去玩。然後，我們坐在她背上，因為他跑得很快，所以你抱我也抱得很緊。一邊跑，他還會一邊唱歌，派對上的歌她每首都唱了一遍。我們走過了沙漠，森林，雪地，最後到了海邊。因為海很美，獨角獸很累，所以我們決定停下來。很巧的這個沙灘上有一個浴缸，我們一句話都沒說很有默契的跳進浴缸裡。我抱著你躺在浴缸裡，聽很累的獨角獸用很 Nico 但有點慵懶的聲音唱著派對上的最後一首歌，All Tomorrow's Parties。聽著聽著，我們就在浴缸裡睡著了。