my life

it's safe to say that suicide has never come across my mind. but i know the thought is lurking somewhere beneath my ordinary life. life just seems so pointless. lately, i've often  thought about what the old woman said in Bergman's film, Scenes from a Marriage (1973):

Something peculiar is happening. My senses, sight, hearing, touch are starting to fail me. Say this table for example, I can see it and touch it. But the sensation is diminished and dry. It's the same with everything. Music, scents, faces, and voices. Everything seems puny, gray, and undignified.

this is how I feel lately.
nothing matters. nothing inspires. nothing surprises.
why am I still alive? why haven't I killed myself? what's the point of dragging on with this meaningless life? I feel old, but not very wise, not wise enough to see the big picture, or just simply wise enough to live. oh, God, I'd believe you if you would lead me...